


the seasons change (i don't)

by shininghue



Category: TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with happy (?) ending, M/M, Somewhat, it could be a happy ending but then again it depends, lol I dunno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 09:26:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18385640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shininghue/pseuds/shininghue
Summary: huening kai is a beautiful human being, and everyone knows that.to hurt someone like him is unforgivable.(but soobin had exactly done that.)





	the seasons change (i don't)

 

huening kai is a beautiful human being, and everyone knows that.

to hurt someone like him is unforgivable.

(but soobin had exactly done that.)

 

* * *

_seventeen_ _  
_

* * *

 

when he first meets the younger, it’s dawn and soobin has just turned seventeen. the boy is sitting with his friend against the big, magnolia tree by the river near his home, humming a familiar tone whilst stringing up flowers for a crown. he falls in love with his voice first, then his smile. when soobin sees his smile for the first time, he immediately knows that kai is special.

maybe it’s too fast to say love so early. but he wants to keep that smile for himself and keep it he does.

soobin’s happy with him, and it lasted for a long, long time.

 

* * *

_twenty_

* * *

 

at twenty, kai is still with him, and the magnolia tree is still there, still blooming beautifully, but its leaves are sniveling and kai (whom he loved so much) is crying.

he’s crying so hard but still finds it in himself to smile at him. soobin’s heart lurches. until the end, he still smiles, still with his tear-streaked cheeks and quivering lips, but then he leaves.

soobin is disappointed in himself because until the end, he can’t say what he truly wants to say, but at least he moves on. at least he’s fine now.

no, he thinks that he’s fine.

(but he’s not, really. he’s far from fine.)

 

* * *

_twenty-two_

* * *

 

 

when he turns twenty-two, soobin is no longer living his life as he should.

kai was gone from the town for exactly a year after their breakup. there was no hello from his phone or maybe a belated goodbye arriving on his doorstep. there was nothing, and soobin was left with radio silence with over two years, and he didn’t know what to do with his life anymore. even now, he doesn’t know what to do with his life anymore.

so he works day and night, hoping that it would numb the pain inside his chest. hoping that it would distract him from the loss of something so precious because he misses him so badly and there is a hole in his heart, gaping and bleeding the words he's supposed to say but unable to, so soobin waits for another day to pass.

and waits.

_and waits._

 

* * *

_twenty-three_

* * *

 

just two days after his twenty-third birthday, soobin walks his way into the town square on saturday’s mid-morning. the all too familiar sea of peoples hurts his eyes, but he keeps going. though, he doesn’t really know _where_ he’s going.

(living has turned so mundane that he’s slowly losing what it means to be alive.)

he sighs, silvery white smoke exits his parted lips, then he quickens his strides. but the moment he turns on his right, he’s faced with a dream.

“i’m s-sorry.” the dream says, his eyes and nose and lips still the same, still familiar and soobin wants to hold him so badly. “i didn’t see where i was going. i’m really—”

“…ning?”

“—sorry.”

(the last time soobin had seen kai with that look in his eye, he'd been nineteen, and he'd just threw himself at soobin because he’d gifted him a promise ring made from white gold.)

soobin smiles bitterly.

(that look is still the same, still familiar—but instead the happiness he saw back then, all he can see right now is fear.)

 

* * *

_twenty-four_

* * *

_  
_  

he finds out that kai has been back in town for exactly a year now, and he’s working at one of the town hospitals as a nurse. he tries to contact him once, using his privilege to find out about his personal information, but still, kai refuses to meet him, and soobin understands. he really does.

it doesn’t make him stop, though. he still visits him in the hospital. night or day he will be there, sitting on the freezing metal chair, waiting for him. he doesn’t give a single fuck about his career, about his life, about everything, really. because kai is more important than all of that, and this time around, he’s so desperate to make things right.

but one day, kai walks out while holding and with another man and he isn’t sure what’s right anymore.

 

* * *

_twenty-five_

* * *

  

the name is yeonjun, he later learns.

quite a fine man he is, three years older than kai and a year older than him. he’s a young businessman, and soobin may or may not work with him a couple of times before in the past. he knows him; knows his habits and knows his everything and he knows perfectly well that yeonjun’s the perfect man for kai.

(so even though he feels like losing his life for a second time, soobin tries to let him go.)

 

* * *

_twenty-eight_

* * *

it is his twenty-nine birthday, but kai doesn’t come.

(of course he doesn’t.)

 

* * *

_twenty-nine_

* * *

_  
_  

soobin shouldn’t feel happy when he hears kai broke up with yeonjun, but he can’t.

when he visits him in the hospital that morning, kai is quiet. soobin can't tell if he’s shocked or if he knows that he knows. but soobin still tries his best. he gives him a bucket of roses and puts on a smile for him, that smile with dimples he'd once loved, and tells him that he will be there whenever he’s ready.

kai takes the flowers from him, smiles, and tells him a simple; _i know._

(if forgiveness has a name, it would be this, he thinks.)

 

* * *

_thirty_ -one

* * *

 

kai comes to his apartment to celebrate his thirty-one birthday. that night, he lets soobin kisses the tears away from his flushed cheeks, and that night they sleep on his bed like the old times, but unlike those times, it’s soobin’s turn to cling on him like he’s a lifeline.

“i miss you.” soobin mumbles into kai’s neck, eyes glazed with tears. “god, i miss you so much—”

“i know.” whispers kai. “i miss you too.”

“n-no.” he shakes his head. “but I really, i—fuck, I miss you so much, kai. I can’t believe I could last that long without you by my side. Why did I do that? why didn’t i—”

“hyung, please.” he sighs. “not now. can we—can we talk about it later? I just want to hold you tonight.”

“but i should have said i love you.”

kai freezes.

“i should have said that i love you when i knew it would be the last time.” he continues with shaking voice. “i should have told you, but i didn’t say a damn thing. god, i was so stupid. so fucking stupid.”

“hyung…” he bites his bottom lip. “i—”

“i love you, kai.” he cuts him. “i really do, please believe in me.”

kai pauses, looking as though he’s in a series of freeze-frames, but then he smiles, so soft, so beautiful, and he finds himself falling in love all over again.

“stupid hyung,” he whispers. “i love you too, okay? always have, always will.”

as the night dips into silence, all soobin can hear is kai’s soft whines against his bitten lips. and when their lips meet in between soobin suddenly remembers the love that he had long forgotten.

 

* * *

_thirty-four_

* * *

 

they decide to marry when soobin turns thirty-four and kai thirty-two.

it’s a private ceremony, only a handful of their families and friends are invited despite soobin’s status as one of seoul’s notorious riches. with a smile, he leads kai out into the garden where the setting sun casts it in an entirely new light. the valley below, where the busan’s sea lays, is already dark, but there’s still a glimmer of sunshine left in the horizon. truly, it’s a beautiful sight, but if he were to be honest its beauty is nothing compared to this man standing in front of him.

“this is our last stop. are you ready?” he asks softly.

“are _you_?” kai asks back with a teasing smile. “you haven’t forgotten your vow, have you?”

soobin laughs loudly, and kai follows him in stride. because they would not settle for anything less, they’ve written their own vows instead of following the traditional, boring ones. soobin can see some of the guests shifting in their seats in anticipation and he thinks: this is it.

“this is it. no take back.” he holds his hand up before leaving a small kiss upon his knuckles. “are you ready?”

“with you?” kai smiles that pretty smile of his. “anywhere.”

 

* * *

_thirty-nine_

* * *

  

kai gives him a letter and one bucket of roses just a few hours before his thirty-nine birthday. soobin opens it with a smile on his face, and later when he finishes the entire thing, he folds it with tears in his eyes.

“hey, come here.”

kai shifts in his seat, and were he anyone else, soobin might think he’s nervous. so instead of waiting, he walks towards him. even now, kai still acts like he’s not sure of what he means for him. everything, he wants to tell him, you mean everything to me; but instead of that he says: “i love you.”

“huh?”

“i love you,” he repeats with a teary smile. “i love you, so much.”

“i know,” kai looks at him for a fleeting moment, his own eyes fill with tears, before he bumps their foreheads together. “because i love you too.”

 

* * *

_forty_ _-three_

* * *

  

soobin is forty-three when he learns to live again.

learns to wake up in the morning to watch his beloved’s angelic face. learns to spend his usually boring noon eating together at their favorite café every now and then. learns to come home in the evening to cuddle on the couch near the window. learns to sleep at night while holding his warm body close against his chest. learns to greet another tomorrow with his dream by his side.

that’s right. kai is his dream.

always has. always been.

 

* * *

_fifty-one  
_

* * *

 

on the way of their seventeenth anniversary, just a few days before his fifty-one birthday, the car they’re driving swirls up and crashes.

kai doesn’t make it.

(and neither does his heart.)

* * *

_seventy-two  
_

* * *

 

soobin is seventy-two and alone.

his coat slides from his shoulder quite often, but he doesn’t bother to correct it. his hands are reaching and he lets them hover in the air for half a second before dropping them gently on the headstone in front of him. ghostlike knuckles trace the name engraved on its surface as his heart whispers: i miss us. i miss you.

it’s okay though, it’s okay now. even though it’s short, he knows that they were happy. and even though all these years they spent apart feels hard, there’s nothing to regret.

after all, tomorrow is going to be a new beginning. and today, he’s going to meet his dream again.

 

* * *

_fin._

* * *

_  
_

**Author's Note:**

> i've been really busy for the past week so gonna catch up with my abandoned fics now lol. any questions and/or comments are always welcome. love you all for being patient with me


End file.
